A wise man once wrote: “There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven. A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4) We are currently in a time of mourning. On February 17 I went into my new OB Doctors office here in Florence with my heart full of joy. I would soon be finding out more about Baby Fredrick Number 2 who I had been carrying for close to 3 months. It was during this appointment that I was emotionally flung into the deepest darkest valley I have ever known. Our dear and beloved child is already wrapped in the loving arms of our Lord and Savior. The beauty is our dear child will never experience pain, heartache or sickness. He/She is already in Heaven.
As I mentioned this is the deepest darkest valley I have ever experienced. I have never known the gut wrenching utter pain of a shattered heart until now. Many mothers love and intimately know their children before ever “meeting” them. I am one of those mothers. With this pregnancy I was blessed to know I was pregnant earlier than I did with my first pregnancy. With the knowledge that a new life was steadily growing inside I fell in love yet again. I started every morning with a prayer for my child as I held my yet unchanged stomach. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of my second child. Dreams of holding him/her, kissing and cuddling and caring for them began immediately. Though all of these dreams are shattered I know God is in control! I hold tight to many of His promises. I believe the Lord saved my child from something. We may never know what but God, my loving Savior, would never allow His children to hurt this deeply if there wasn’t a good and just reason.
Many people may question if the Lord is really good if He allows terrible events such as this. What I know is we live in a fallen world full of sin and thus tragedy, disease, pain and terrible events like losing your child. I will still, in the midst of this darkness and pain, stand on the rooftop and proclaim He is loving and good. For one my child is in heaven! The Lord being a just God cannot condemn a child who never had the opportunity to choose to surrender to Him. Also the loving hands holding my heart in place as it heals are a testament to His love. The morning I awoke for my surgery the Lord once again told me He loved and cared for me. I awoke at 5:15am from the loveliest dream and a warm peace filled my entire being. In the dream, I was on a porch surrounded by my closest family members, the Christian Doctor and dear friend who delivered Dylan and his wife, who is one of my closest friends. (I know many others would have wanted to be there if it were real life) We were all holding hands taking turns praising God, telling of His greatness and praying. Right before I awoke one of those present in my dream said ok let’s title this next part Kim. With that I awoke ready, determined and filled with peace. Resting in the assurance that there are no coincidences I was determined to make a positive impact at the hospital. I still consider myself to be incredibly blessed. My heavenly Father has showered me with more blessings than I can count and a hundred times more than I deserve. With this in mind, I decided the best thing to do at the hospital was to verbally bless others in the name of Jesus Christ. Realizing in recovery that I had yet to bless anyone, I began blessing everyone that came by my bed. Yes, I was still very much in a stupor but that cannot weaken the Lord’s power. Every day is a struggle and thus far every day there have been tears. This will not always be the case; I know there will be “a time to dance” in our future.
Am I angry? I can honestly say no. Why would I be? Do I deserve children? No, children are a gift from God. (Psalms 127:3) Do I want and daily pray for more of the gift of children? – YES. Yet if Dylan is the only child I ever have the chance to raise, I will still be greatly blessed.
Dylan will never truly understand the supportive roll he is currently playing. His laughter and smile warm my heart as they always have. He gives me more kisses than he used to. Many times he will cover my whole head –both cheeks, neck, chin, nose, forehead, and top of my head (lips are for Daddy) – with sweet kisses. When I am crying he always comes to check on me, hug me and at time being wise beyond two years he says, “Mommy it is ok, God is in control”. I was once told years ago: “ The Lord is not in the business of populating the earth but in populating heaven.” I was so thankful I heard this. Once again there are no coincidences thus I know the Lord allowed me to hear this to prepare my heart for this dreadful time. Someday I will meet my child in glory!
I will continue to cry out to the Lord as David did in the Psalms and hope in Him for days of dancing. “To you, O Lord, I called, and to the Lord I made supplication… You have turned for me my mourning into dancing: You have loosened my sackcloth and girded me with gladness.” (Psalms 30:8&11)
Without my Lord, my amazing husband, my son and many prayers of the Savior’s faithful I could see myself not getting out of bed. Thanks be to the Lord for His goodness!
When "nap" time was over I headed into Dylan's room to let him know he was allowed to get up. Uh mm where was my little man?
Oh my yes my little sweetie pie has stuffed himself along with his pillow into his pillow case.
He was so thrilled with himself!
See look Mom, I can do it again.
Excited and ready to go!
Whoa Dad are you back there because it feels like I am picking up speed.
Dylan's first bike ride and many of the others since have been him coasting down the drive way and Dad/Mom pushing his feet on the pedals on the way back up.
There was a "sunken" submarine among other entertaining items in the kiddie pool. Dylan loved splashing in the water, exploring the submarine, watching the large buckets spill water and being "chased" by as he described us silly parents.
It has been wonderful to have Daddy home so much with his new civilian job!
Rory and I were thrilled and slightly surprised by the fact that Dylan LOVED the two water slides at Compass Cove. The picture above is too cute with both of my guys smiling after their wet ride together!
I am finding it hard to believe that our son is 3 years old!
We do love the beach!
God has blessed us with an amazing three years of enjoying our precious son!
Trey stylin' in his Christmas outfit
sweet boys
cousin time is great time!
Opening presents with Daddy. Check out the sweet smock Dylan got from Nana and Papa Steve. How perfect for his art projects:)
relaxing with Papa Steve
trying out one of Trey's Christmas presents
